


Of Sorrow and Pain

by Miss_Shiva_Adler



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Broken Parabatai Bond, Eros AU, M/M, Oral Sex, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Season Finale, Temporary Character Death, Unprotected Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:42:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21821620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Shiva_Adler/pseuds/Miss_Shiva_Adler
Summary: When Valentine kills Jace to summon Raziel Alec is ready to make more than one sacrifice to make Valentine pay for his mistake.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 17
Kudos: 112
Collections: Jalec Secret Santa 2019





	Of Sorrow and Pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lightwoodizm](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Lightwoodizm).



> I hope you'll enjoy this fic dear Lightwoodizm, I wasn't sure if you liked eros aus but here we are. I'm so happy you prompted angst because it's what I prefer to write above anything else (especially Jalec). 
> 
> Happy Holidays and I hope you will be surrounded by care and love !

It tears through his skin. He can't breathe. The metal separates every inch of flesh, every muscle, it lodges itself deeply into his heart. He inhales sharply. His hands are on his chest he tugs at his T-shirt. His hands tremble. An aborted scream breaches his throat. He can't stay up on his legs. It hurts, it hurts too much. His hands scramble, trying to find the injury, trying to find the blood. There is nothing. There is nothing there. Nothing. Yet he bleeds, yet he dies, yet he is losing his mind. Yet he feels it inside of him, the metal, the weapon of his death. And there is so much pain.

"Jace."

His rune burns. It weeps. There is a humming sound through it but he can't concentrate. He only feels his cheeks wetting but not the actual tears falling down. His whole body is suddenly so icy cold that it locks itself. It scorches and tears away at his bones. He tugs at his hair. He can't really hear himself scream because the hurt is worse. He screams again as he claws at his side. He feels his nails getting stuck in skin but the angelic magic is stuttering, it becomes unstable.

He crawls, goes on his knees on the cold glass tiles of the institute. He feels his eyes burn. He grabs on to the first pair of legs and clothing he finds. But there is no grounding in this. He looks up but can't see. Even when the warlock shoots him a glance of concern. He cannot make out what is being said to him. Even the touch of his sister feels numb.

"Jace."

He says. The name repeats itself in his head. A one word litany starts pouring from his lips and he repeats it again, again, again and Again.

He inhales once and start again.

Jace is… dying.

Jace is _dying_.

He screams again as he feels another wave of dread and emptiness fill his head. It's suffocating. He can't breathe. He is choking on nothing as the feeling of bile is coating his mouth. He lifts his shirt; trying to indicate what's wrong. He scratches again almost to blood. But he can't talk. Because he can't feel anything. He cries again. Screams again, and again, and again. His eyes engulf in heavenly fire as he feels everything fall apart. The whole bond frays, becoming just a flimsy chord.

He can't. He can't. He can't do this without him. He can't fight without him. He can't survive without him. He can't live without him. He..

His whole body trembles he feels his whole stomach twist. The chord, the bond, snaps. The rune fades, disappears.

He pushes his palms to his eyes. The fire licks at his hands just a moment longer before they extinguish themselves for good. He wants to die. He looks at his burnt hands as if they were not even allowed to be healed. Because they are not. He doesn't… understand. He doesn't see how… he doesn't see why he would ever deserve them to be. It wasn't supposed to go this way, never this way.

He doesn't know what he laments because there is only void. A void Jace is leaving in his chest, his head, his heart. Isabelle is talking but he can't hear. Magnus is talking but he can't hear. He stares at the ground; the memory of Jace telling his name for the first time swimming in front of his eyes, Jace laughing, Jace asking him to be his parabatai, Jace sleeping. Jace saving him, Jace… kissing him. Once, twice. Jace kissing him sometimes and never. Jace looking at him, brushing away his hair when Jace thought he was sleeping. Jace… Jace…

He lets a shuddering breath cross his lips. He needs to see him, he needs to see Jace. He needs… to feel. Something. Anything. Anything but that void. Maybe he is wrong maybe something else happened... maybe Jace wasn't dead

But he doesn't feel anything.

He laments again. Magnus lifts him up. There is healing magic coming from his hands. It's unwelcome. He jerks his hands away. He doesn't want to walk or talk. He doesn't want to live. He doesn't want to see. He doesn't want anything. He is nothing. He is empty he is not… Jace is not… there… He can't feel him. He can't… Their bond… They are nothing anymore. There is no bond, there is no connection, there is no chord, no echo from their thoughts or feelings. Not a word not a sound. Nothing. Everything is just drowned darkness, emptiness, void.

_How do the others survive in this kind of quiet ?_

"Alec," he can't look Magnus into the eyes. He can't look at Izzy either. He breathes through his nose. He doesn't have anything to say. Nothing they don't already know, nothing they haven't already understood. His eyes fill with tears but he's got nothing to shed them for anymore. They are pointless now.

He feels numb.

"I am going to portal us to Lake Lyn, Alexander. But you're going to have to focus." He doesn't know how. He doesn't see how. He stands on his two feet but doesn't understand by which strength he can stay upright. Magnus' hand is on his shoulder. He keeps quiet.

He doesn't know if thinking of Jace is enough to navigate. It probably isn't.

Portals always make him feel sick. But he feels too outside of himself to even acknowledge it. When he steps out he looks up at the midnight sky. The moon looks bigger than he remembers. Even the peculiar smell of pine doesn't impress him. He doesn't care. He isn't even sure if he wants to continue. His eyes flicker from one tree to another. Thoughts intermix with memories and… darker thoughts. He wonders how long he'll be able to walk before collapsing again. He doesn't.

He shrugs Izzy off, she still wants to hold his arm after the portal. But any touch feels wrong, any hug feels forced, any words feel pointless. Magnus seems to follow a small ball of light he conjured up, no quip follows its summoning. Alec doesn't look up, he doesn't want to. He… why is he even walking ? Why is he even trying ? Why ?

Why did Jace have to die ?

Why is he the one surviving ?

Why isn't he giving up this very instant ?

They were supposed to fall in battle, waging their thousand-year war. On the ashes of a demon army invasion, dying like heroes or like any regular soldiers, standing on the top of the world. Their hearts would be beating as one, their hard fought training pushing them to their limits. They would die holding each other close, linked like no other possible mortal bond would ever encompass. They would hold hands, recite their vows, die head high as either the world burned or was saved.

They were supposed to die _together_.

He always hoped he'd be the first one to go, not wanting to feel the loss. Not wanting to see it happen. Jace was the strong one between the two of them. No matter how much his parabatai said otherwise. He… He doesn't know if he can do this. Live without Jace… Live without the other half of his soul, live in the quietness and the emptiness of his mind, live with the consequences of having lost the one true thing that felt right to him.

Why is _he_ the one surviving ?

He looks up, feeling surrounded by strangers even though they are the ones keeping him going. Even if one glance at his sister makes him feel like proving he could do this without her. Stand up right, hold his bow close, readying his stance for battle. She knew he couldn't. He couldn't live without Jace. He couldn't survive this. She calculates. She wonders. He can read her mind as she tries to guess when. When he… wouldn't be the one surviving.

He staggers, a root almost makes him fall. Magnus turns himself but Alec refuses to look. He doesn't want pity, from any of them. He doesn't deserve any form of compassion. He let his parabatai die…

_alone_

An illuminating light suddenly blinds them all. It was as if the sun had risen all of a sudden. Alec feels all his runes light up, they thrum, vibrate. Alec feels a primal source of magic that he was born into. He knows of it, has felt it, but the taste or smell isn't Jace's. It isn't their magic. It's Raziel's.

He doesn't care.

"The angel has been summoned," Magnus mutters under his breath. He seems to breathe out and feel sick. The Angelic magic must be overwhelming him.

"Magnus, you must go, this is dangerous for you." Izzy is holding Magnus' arm. She sounds worried and keeps her eyes on him. He readjusts his bow and Izzy looks at Magnus for a split second. The warlock pushes her away gently.

"We need to find Clary, stop Valentine." Magnus walks forward an Alec follows. He feels the surge of strength from his activated runes break out in pulses of energy. He walks faster than Magnus. Both him and Izzy do. He sees and hears better. He often stops to wait and find a trail. Even though Magnus' guiding orb seems to follow him it stops when Magnus is too far away. He can feel his heart thrum. It inspires awe to feel the same kind of magic he and Jace create. But the fact that this isn't theirs and will never be again makes his heart bleed as well. Because they are no more. Because Jace is dead. And it is all Alec's fault.

He grits his teeth.

This is all his fault, he shouldn't have let Jace go alone. Jace is dead because of him. He wasn't there. He still isn't there. Magnus snaps his fingers and all kinds of particles of lights disappear and illuminate the pathway. Alec wonders what it means until he realizes that they are close, close to the lake. He doesn't look for approval from either of his companions when he reaches for his stele and lifts his shirt. His head is still too clear and too controlled. He knows he can't act if he doesn't get rid of his 'Calm Anger' rune first. He refuses to utter any sound as he let his stele cut through his rune. The burn, it feels like the heated poker of a fireplace digging into his skin.

It floods him into a rage. He doesn't think. His mind goes white. He almost feels like baring his teeth. His goal is clear once grief fades. Valentine will pay for everything, the deaths, the injuries, the sorrow he caused, Jace. Valentine will pay for Jace's life. If Alec got his hands on the shadowhunter he wouldn't even bother dragging him to the guard.

For Jace.

He'll kill Valentine for Jace. And painfully so if he has anything to say about it. And he will. He runs. His sister shouts for him but he doesn't listen. He follows the trail. His breathing is not even ragged by the time the trees become less and less dense around him.

His runes burn brighter. His heartbeat goes faster. He feels his stomach twist. His senses and awareness of his surroundings spike. He unsheathes his bow. The whispers of the angels start echoing in his mind as he comes closer to Raziel's presence. Valentine is speaking, shouting. The outline of his body is painted against the bright light of Raziel. He draws his bow, ready to let his arrow fly. But he doesn't. One whisper, one with a lighter drawl, familiar. He doesn't let his face waver or his let his target out of sight. He listens. The whisper reminds him of his pain and it enrages him even more. He feels his nerves coil. But he listens. He tunes out every other voice, every other sound. As he let Jace's whisper come louder and brighter. Angels were always surrounded by the voices of the dead.

Even in death Jace would ground him into a focus.

One drop of blood spilled into the water would make Valentine's wish come true. Alec clenches his jaw and lowers his bow. He listens to Jace's voice echoing in his head. It doesn't communicate in words but in feelings as the lingering voices of the dead do. For a brief second Alec does feel his parabatai's presence. He lets his eyes flicker to look and evaluate the terrain. The whisper attracts his attention to Clary.

He has to wait.

Just one second longer.

He sees her running and Alec takes another step forward, sheathing his bow. He waits for her to drag her father away from the water. When Valentine has one step on the ground he launches himself toward them. His speed rune makes that he is next to valentine before he even gets to throw her on the ground.

Alec recognize the glint of regret in Valentine's eyes before Alec punches him in the face. It hurts but the Iratze comes immediately in effect. He staggers but he recovers quickly. He is talking but Alec doesn't listen. One goal is set in mind. He dodges the rock Valentine has in his hand. He moves in, elbows him on the chin. They fight fast. Brutally, with both of their strengths enhanced while every bruised rib gets healed, every single one of their blows goes deeper. Alec can taste the angelic magic, Raziel's power within all of them. Alec isn't playing. He is just waiting for an opportunity. Valentine talks and talks but Alec's focus is on the throat. It bobs. It is protected. But Valentine is old. He hasn't fought in a while. He leads and forgets to keep honing his skills to fight.

Alec sees the opening. He feints to go for Valentine's legs. He doesn't. Valentine's lips are spewing blood as Alec drives the head of his arrow through the throat. And further, and further up.

"That's for Jace."

There is a weak hand on his wrist. It squeezes and falls. Alec looks one last time into dead dark eyes before he lets the body slump to the floor. There is blood on his face, his hand, the sleeve of his jacket. It reeks. It's warm first before it becomes cold.

It's not a relief.

He breathes, stares into the line of trees.

It's not a relief.

His parabatai is still dead.

Jace is still dead.

He clenches his fists. Clary is sobbing, the others are nowhere in sight. He can't get himself to look. He knows where Jace lies. But he can't bring himself to look. He breathes. It hurts to breathe. He doesn't cry. It hurts too much to sob.

The light is still there.

He closes his eyes. Death has always been a goal, an means to an end, a destiny to be fulfilled. Since he was very young, this is the way things are. You fight, you get injured, if you are good enough you live, if not you die. You die standing, head high and weapon in hand. Death is part of life. Death is a part of war.

But it doesn't end.

There is no end to this war. People died and it served no purpose. One demon slain brings a horde of them back. Every step forward brings them two steps backwards. Blood has been shed and no tears will ever be enough to make up for the loss. And Alec has already lost everything.

Death, it is all about death, all the time, and it will be like this for ever and ever. Until there is no Nephilim anymore to protect the world at all. The world will be overrun and one day it will fall like any other. And Alec?

And Alec can't live like this. He can't live like this alone, with bloodshed, the war, the bodies, the _loss._

Not without Jace.

He turns around, he feels his nerves fray as he looks into the light. He feels shame, dread, fear. But he dares. He dares to take a step forward. One after the other. He knows there is no coming back from this. There is nothing that will save him from this, once he commits this aberration he knows he won't ever look at himself in the mirror again.

The water soaks his boots, his legs. The mutters one prayer in latin as the angel Raziel looks down on him.

"Angel Blooded one," His voice echoes in Alec's head as the whispers of the dead become louder, drowning out any kind of sound around him, even the water becomes silent and the wind dies in its wake. "You can ask one wish of me."

His voice is parched but his lips move as he tries to form words. "Bring him back."

"Two Nephilims died in this place, I can only revive one. Who will it be ?" Raziel's light is brighter and Alec knows he would weep from casting a deeper and contemplative glance at the angel. He feels unworthy to bask in an angel's light.

"Jace, bring Jace back." His throat clenches down. He feels himself become filth through the mere words he uttered. Through the mere sentences he used and the boldness he finds himself being driven with. His emotions surpassing his logic, his love surpassing his reason.

The descent into hell is easy.

"Ah yes, your soul's other half." Raziel's voice isn't soft nor scolding. It is merely one last whisper amongst the others before everything falls silent. "Your blood, angel blooded one. And see your wish fulfilled."

He draws an arrow out of his quiver.

He is so weak. So _**weak.**_

And he feels guilty not to care.

The arrow head is driven into his forearm, it is pretty deep so the blood can flow easily before the wound closes immediately again.

It drips, soundlessly. Raziel's light is like a morning sun, yellow, stinging, unwelcome, before it disappears. Alec is left alone in the lake. He closes his eyes. The deed is done and his blasphemy is complete. He can't get himself to move.

Clary is talking, speaking. He can't hear her, she is too far away. He concentrates on the coldness of the water as the wind picks up again. It doesn't take long before he breathes in. All the magic of his runes but one dies out. One draws itself little by little. It's just as painful as the first time and Alec finds himself leaning into it. Hope. Hope is blooming into his mind, his body, his soul.

Pain, hurt, confusion, the background noise comes to life once more. Alec breathes more deeply. His head becomes calm and quiet in its noise and sweep of emotion. He doesn't move. He doesn't dare to. He… The water ripples.

Jace's arms are around his chest and Alec feels them coming before they even touch him. He squeezes his eyes shut even more. His head hangs low. He doesn't let himself feel the relief yet. He doesn't want to. He doesn't dare to. But his parabatai's arms around him are… the only thing that matters.

"I've committed a sin." He wants to cry, scream. He can't. Because he can't get himself to regret. He holds on to Jace. His fingers dig into the forearms, the hands.

"I know," Jace whispers against his back. Alec doesn't understand what he feels, or what he is supposed to feel. Their bond floods in and out of them. The sparks of magic are under their skin. It draws them together.

He tugs on Jace's hands, he turns to face his parabatai. When he opens his eyes he knows his are burning with heavenly fire. Jace looks at him, caresses a lock of hair out of Alec's face.

"Even death won't part you from me." Jace's voice his stable, but his emotions are not. They are everywhere, echoing through Alec's mind, reverberating through his bones. Alec finds himself leaning down as Jace's hands cup his face.

Jace's lips feel like the whole wide world. And there is nothing inside this whole wide world that isn't Jace. He moves his mouth against him, grips onto his waist. He feels the magic between them. Their touch. Jace is left breathless and Alec just sinks even more into him, into their embrace. Jace's eyes mirror his and Alec can read the devotion, the love, the passion in between the flames of the heavenly fire engulfing them. He feels everything and so much more.

He holds Jace's hand and can't find himself to talk because Jace talks for the both of them. He doesn't leave his side. Not even when they leave the lake and portal back to the institute. They don't even go out for a report or a celebration. There is just them. Them and their hands. Them and their bond.

In Jace's room Alec presses Jace against the door. It's slow, it's tender, it's kisses and caresses. It's legs around his waist and Jace moving against him. It's hands on hips and fingers grabbing belts. It's harder to undo their shoes and to shrug off the wet parts of their clothes. But they do, they laugh and manage even to giggle.

Alec pushes Jace against the wall again. Kisses become sloppy and wetter and more intimate. He groans against Jace's mouth as the underside of his tongue is teased into submission. He is painfully hard against Jace's thigh. They usually don't do this; not like this. Not so disregarding of rules and convention, not so slow, not so affectionately.

And Alec's heart aches, it aches to have more than just lips on his mouth and bodies grinding. It aches to be closer to Jace and his body. He goes on his knees. Kisses Jace's thigh. The skin is warm and soft and he can't help himself to sink his teeth into the flesh and to suck to leave a mark. He leaves a third one before moving more inward. Jace tilts his head back against the wood. Grabs Alec's hair as Alec slides the last remaining piece of clothing from between him and Alec's mouth down.

He sucks in a breath as Alec just takes him into his mouth. It's wet and hot. He swears as Alec's lips slide over his cock in a slow and aching motion. It's almost overwhelming. He feels himself fall back again into their usual rhythm. Alec swallows him more and deeper while he rocks back into Alec's throat. He keeps him there. Alec constricts and fights for air and his throat bulges as he exhales and inhales soundly through his nose. Even when he comes back up Alec doesn't let go. The sucking motion makes Jace's head spin.

"Fuck," he grits between his teeth. He tugs on the strands of hair and lets go. _This_ is more like what they tend to do. Jace fucking into Alec's mouth and Alec taking it without a wince, without a complaint. He swears again when Alec drags his nails against his back and backside and thighs. It burns in the best way possible and more. So much more. Especially when Alec braces himself to let his mouth be used.

They don't have to talk because they know exactly what the other thinks. Their rune lights up, pulses. It's between them and all of the space in between. It's about their hearts, their soul. Them, and them just being one. It's about one floating mind and beyond that. Sex is sometimes part of it, but not always. It's about being alive and feeling alive rather than the idea of being together, because they already are, in the same room, one same mind. This is about intimacy and more than that. It is about touch.

Jace feels himself tense up and Alec's mouth speeds up, gags, gets into a motion. He says things, unfinished sentences and compliments, but the praise is stronger through the bond than words would be able to convey. Alec swallows him down again and again even after Jace has already ejaculated into his mouth. He jerks, gets sensitive. He hauls Alec back up to kiss him.

It just isn't enough, even after Jace guides him to bed, straddles him, kisses him. Sometimes just lips, sometimes just tongues, sometimes with a whine or an 'I love you' in between. Alec makes them roll over.

They usually don't do this, not like this, not like that. But Alec finds himself unable to care, too busy making sure that Jace is even there. To feel him, touch him, caress him. When he shrugs his own boxers off he kisses his parabatai breathlessly one last time. Jace looks at him as he clumsily reaches out for the bottle of lube on the nightstand. It topples over and with a groan Alec prevents it from crashing into the ground.

He glares at Jace, waiting for a snort or a quipping remark. None comes. Jace reaches for Alec. Lays his hands and fingers around Alec's cheeks and jawline. Alec lets himself be guided into a kiss. It's slow. Jace's tongue is on his lower lip. It doesn't tease, it just moves. Just like their lips and bodies. Alec finds himself almost trembling above Jace. The legs around his waist and the warmth of their chests against one another makes Alec's mind spin. Jace breaks their kiss to look at him, his lips are so swollen by kisses and his eyes dilated with desire, it almost makes Alec melt on the spot. A smile dances on his lips.

"Fuck me." Alec bites back a moan in his throat, painfully aware how hard he is against Jace's own still semi hard-going-on-soft crotch. By Raziel, there is almost nothing he wants more than to do just that. He kisses his parabatai one more time.

He presses lubed up fingers against Jace's sphincter. Jace pants loudly as Alec inserts his digits inside him. He presses their foreheads together. Fingering Jace is something Alec could orgasm from. He even briefly wonders if he wants it that way, have Jace whine, maybe even beg, have their fingers joined on his shaft or have Jace's thighs enclosing him, have them both quiver as Alec brushes over that prostate or to even add more lube to get more than just two fingers inside, to feel Jace clench around his wrist. To let him cry and moan for more.

But no. The way Jace's hips rock forward, the way he looks so relaxed and aroused. Alec wants more than what they have already done a million times, more than just the feeling of getting off, more than just an orgasm.

He takes out his fingers, brushing the prostate one last time. The groan Jace lets out in anticipation when he lines himself up makes his cock twitch, pre-seminal fluid already leaking from his tip. He pushes inside and Alec buries his face into the crook of his parabatai's neck. Their scent and sweat is already heavily clinging to them. He interlaces their fingers, trying to hold onto a sense of reality. He moans as Jace shifts his hips, clenches down and is the first one to move languidly after getting used to the intrusion. Jace's heat and warmth is mind numbing.

It knocks Alec's breath away. A soft cry escapes his lips as he feels their magic overflow on the surface of their skins. He stretches his back and pushes their foreheads together. He swears, praises and whispers 'I love yous' amids his grunts and changes of positions. The tang taste of them being interlocked and their bond evening them out dances on his tongue. He moans loudly and thoroughly. His mind finally lets go of the pain, the hurt, the _fear._ He holds onto Jace as if his parabatai would ever be able to disappear again. He holds onto Jace to make sure they are both safe and cared for. He holds onto Jace take make sure he feels alive. That it is not an illusion nor a fever dream, that it is not grief but elation of being reunited again. That it is happiness and not sadness that is filling his heart. He goes slowly before he goes hard, he pants before he whines. He cries before he laughs. He dies before he lives.

His world starts and ends with Jace. His life starts and ends with their kiss, their bond, their magic. He wouldn't have it any other way and there wouldn't be any other place he would rather be.

In a bed, with Jace, making love to him and knowing they have survived another day and will live once again past tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're over 18 and wanna hang out with other people who love Shadowhunters (I'm there too) come check out the [Hunter's Moon Discord](https://discord.gg/RhZPtsd)


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